Stress = Mess

Usually I'm the type of person that can roll with the punches, the type of person who really doesn't get overwhelmed with stress and everyday problems. Usually. I made the mistake of being overly ambitious when going back to school and registering for ... FIVE classes. Mind you, I have a "day job" that requires 40 hours a week. Oh and let me mention that my program at school requires 70 hours of volunteer work before I can begin my 3rd year (please note the oxymoron known as "required volunteer work").

Anywho ... Things were going ok with school and work. No major issues; I was just busier than usual. Then all at once (or so it seemed) I was bombarded .... the deadline for my 25 page paper, a midterm, an interview/paper assignment, special projects at work, my roommate/friend's ED trip in the middle of the night, the class food drive that I seemed to be running by myself .... and thus I finally got to learn what it meant to be burnt out. I was paralyzed with overwhelming responsibility - I literally could not start one single thing because the task as a whole seemed far too large. For the first time I was stuck. I was overwhelmed to my breaking point. I was feeling the physical manifestations of my stress.

It's amazing how aware you become of every little stressor when you're at your last nerve. Actually, I can feel my chest tightening as I'm typing just at the thought of everything. Every little thing becomes something that you have to dig deep to cope with it. Not a place I like to be.

Ok and to top it all off with a big bow ... I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get married and have kids. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND!! My mother is just desperate for grandkids. And recently my grandma has jumped on the bandwagon of of pushing the issue. In the last two weeks I've had two (no make that three) instances of harrassment. The first one was when my mother had her friend tell me all about a lady she knows who is "50 and lonely because she was too picky." I told my mother that the next time she's going to have someone give me a lecture about not being picky - make sure she picks a messenger that I'd respect relationship advice from and not from someone that both my mother and I think is crazy for marrying the person she did. (perhaps I should've given her the 'be picky' pep talk) The second blow came from my grandma. I innocently called her to say happy birthday. We then got on the subject of age and her comment was "I keep holding on waiting for you to get married" ... Well ... I guess its flattering to know that I"m her reason for living these days. And last but certainly not least - I can't remember who - but SOMEONE thought they should remind me that women have a predetermined number of eggs so I better have kids before I lose all of my eggs via period and not via child rearing. WHO SAYS THAT!?!?!

... man, I think I need some prozac (jk)

Two Prospective Paths - One Life

A recurring source of pressure for me is (drum roll) ... my mother. I am her only child, thus her only source for grandchildren and so far I've given her (drum roll) ... zero! Would you believe me if I told you she has bought these unborn children gifts already? I wish I were kidding. I think the first time she did it was about 8 years ago. She got this really nice book of fairy tales (oh the irony). She's since bought things like clothes, a blanky, and a stuffed animal. Oh, and I also must mention that in the last 2 years both her and my grandmother have taken up the hobby of telling me that I'm never going to get married. Gotta love family :)

Now, I used to let this go in one ear and out the other because I really do want to get married and have a big family. In fact, I've known since at least high school that I've wanted to have 3 or more kids. I've been able to let this go in one ear and out the other because its not for a lack of finding someone willing to marry me that I'm still single ... it's for a lack of finding someone I WANT to marry. As much as I want to have a husband and kids, I'd rather know that I'm making the right choice with the right person. It isn't always easy to ignore the fact that MANY of my friends have made the trip down the aisle and/or been in the delivery room. The (un)fortunate (depending on who you ask) thing is that I've been so patient in not conforming to what society/family/friends think I should have accomplished by my age - that I'm able to see that those who did fold in the face of pressure didn't necessarily make a wise choice. My peers have been plagued with a divorce (or two), have children that they love but resent, or chose a major in college that they weren't sure about and now have a wasted degree.

Today I was confronted with another realization. Maybe it's not that I haven't met the right person yet ... because I'm really not meant to settle down. My feet can be so far from being planted sometimes - even when I think long term. Career-wise, I've finally made the right choice for me in going back to school for social work. The thing is, with this career I can do so many things and go so many places ... and this is SO appealing to me. Initially I was drawn to the prospect of helping others and giving back. Add to that the fact that I can travel to other countries for various projects and I'm 100% sold. I'd love to take 6 months and go to Africa ... maybe after that go to Greece ... or Paris ...or somewhere in South America. How on Earth do I do that with a husband? Hypothetically speaking lets say I meet someone next year and we want to get married - and we plan on having kids in 5 years. Is it realistic that I will find someone who is willing (and able) to be dragged around the globe? Someone who thinks it would be awesome to do outreach programs in strange foreign lands? Hmmm I'm thinking no on that one.

Just so I'm clear, I'm not saying that I don't think I'm cut out for marriage (like my mother seems to think). At this point in my life I'm just not cut out for the traditional "white picket fence, two car garage, 2 kids, and a dog" thing. I'm ready for a "yes I want to spend the rest of my life with you and have kids in a couple years - but right now wouldn't it be awesome if we could see new places together and make a difference in the lives of others". That's not asking for too much is it? :)